Healing time can occur right after a life changing event or it can take years. For me, it seemed to take a lifetime. To tell a story you must start at the beginning not the end.I know exactly when my pain started, it seemed like it was just yesterday!
It was September 25, 1972. I had just started 10th grade, excited about the new school year.In one moment in time, my life changed forever. I was walking home from school when my brother pulled over and told me to get in the car. We didn't speak on the drive home but I knew something was wrong. When we got near our house, I saw the ambulance and the men taking my moms' body out of the house. At that moment, I went from a carefree teenager to a shattered soul.The days that followed are a blur. The only memories I have are my dad telling me to quit crying like a baby. I wasn't allowed to grieve her loss, so my pain got buried deep and covered so the healing had no chance to begin.
The years went by and I was living in LA.Having never had a chance to heal the wound and pain festered and the poison swept into many aspects of my life. Relationships didn't last because I picked men who were wrong for me. I pushed my friends away. I was miserable but had no idea of the cause. Denial was a useful tool of mine. As in all things, God has a plan. He had one for me that would enable me to heal. It all began very simply by my best friend, Georgia asking me if I would like to take my vacation and go to Florida with her. This was the beginning of my healing time.
I had been to Florida before to visit relatives but this part of Florida was very different than Southern Florida. There was farmland all over with housing developments in between. It was very nice and peaceful. The person responsible for helping me lived here. Her name was Maggie. She was the mom of my best friend. The two weeks we were there were filled with fun and laughter. Soon it was time to go back home, I didn't want to leave but I did. Back to LA that was filled with pain and bad memories but even that would change.
My dreams of an acting career were not coming true and I was disillusioned with life in LA. I wanted a change and as if on cue, God arranged it all. I had a chance to move back to Florida and I grabbed it. I had no job or an apartment but I didn't care. Like salmon swimming upstream, I knew I had to be in Florida. I packed up and I was on the next flight out. Good bye LA and my dreams that never came true. Hello Florida with a future I knew would be better.
Maggie was the type of woman who never met a stranger. She and Pop welcomed me as one of their own. I didn't realize it until after she was gone what a gift I was given.God let me see what it was like to have a mom as an adult. Over the years, very slowly, the pain that was buried made its' way to the surface. The poison that had ruined many aspects of my life was released. The healing time had finally arrived for me. By the time Maggie was gone, I had recovered completely from the pain done to me when I was 15. The memories I had of my mom weren't of her death but of her joyous life! That is when I knew it was done. I felt as if I was reborn. My life is so much different than it was. Healing time comes in God's time not ours. But once it does come, it is life changing!
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Marianne ~ I can so relate ~ my father died when I was 8. And through a bizarre set of circumstances a well-meaning but misguided elderly woman told my mother (32 at the time with 4 small children 8, 6, 4, 18 months)that it would be too upsetting for the children if my mother showed her grief or spoke about my father; the same woman pulled my 6 yr old brother and me aside (away from my mother) and advised us not to speak to my mother about our father because it would be too painful...over 30 years later, this was discovered ~ healing set into motion ~ my heart truly understands ~ nannette1094
I have both my parents, I am blessed. BUT reading your story I FEEL your pain, that which only loss or near-loss over which we have no control brings.
So blessed to know you. Blessed to call you FRIEND. May your journey be filled with blessings, love and fulfilled dreams.
What a beautiful story.
Thank you for writing this poignant story of such a terrible loss. Losing a mother at any age is heartbreaking; at a young age it can derail you. But the joy you found and message you pass on to us is beautiful. Healing IS on God's timeline, not ours. Again, my thanks & gratitude.
thanks for sharing.
merry christmas
I just found you through a Wisdom ala Carte post on Twitter. Crazy. I lost my wife 5 months ago to cancer and I have 4 children. I try to put myself in their shoes and I know it is painful for them. I cannot know what it's like for them...to have the rug pulled out from underneath them at such a young age.
Sorry you had such a long journey...
Very beautifully written, Marianne. I am glad you finally found a way to release the pain you carried for so long. Your story of starting over is reminiscent of my wife's story, and in both cases, the common connection is placing trust in God's will and in His plan. Kudos to you and thank you for sharing.
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